The road trip that started it all
Part Two
To recap part one: I went through years of dabbling and doubting, a little bit of courage, a huge loss, and then the urge to run which commenced this musical journey and kick-started a beautiful thing.
After my trips to and from Georgia and amidst my grieving of my mother and uncle, I saw that the Voice was holding auditions in Atlanta Georgia. I don’t think I hesitated more than a half second before I asked my aunt if I could stay with her while in town for the Voice. She said, “lets do it!” and a few short months later I would be driving back to Georgia again, this time to tackle my fears and go after my dreams. All of a sudden my mouth went dry and there was sandpaper in my throat. Uh oh! What was I thinking going after something this big so soon?!
The next few months I worked hard to get ready. I was performing at the Orange Blossom Opry Thursday night jams and rehearsing at home. Time was up and I was on the road again. I found myself in the Atlanta rush hour traffic wondering what I had gotten myself into. I was meeting my aunt at a hotel near where the auditions were going to be held. Upon seeing the hotel, I immediately thought to myself, “nope!” Timid and not wanting my aunt to feel like I didn’t appreciate her pick, I knew in my bones I couldn’t stay there. A prior version of myself would have not said anything and slept where a bed was provided, but that version of me was gone. I kindly asked if we could stay somewhere else and without hesitation she checked out and we set off for another hotel. The next hotel was AMAZING, the comfiest beds and the best company and only like $40 more.
Over dinner I apologized to my aunt for making us switch hotels. I still felt bad until she told me a story about my great aunt. They were staying in Washington for an inauguration, there were slim pickings on lodging and when they entered the room my great aunt said, “Not this room!” After a little protest, they switched rooms and in the morning they found out someone was murdered in the original room they had booked, “so” my aunt tells me from across the table, “I don’t question gut feelings, even if I am not the one having that gut feeling” I trust my aunts gut feeling for everything. I was just starting to trust my own at 36 years old.
We hugged goodbye at the crack of dawn. She was heading off to work and I was heading toward a very long line. A lot goes through your mind when you’re in a line for hours. I can’t remember exactly how long it was but I’m certain it was at least 5 hours. However, my memory would say it was more like 7-8 hours in wind, rain, and snow, uphill-both ways. The string of hopeful singers wound around the building, through a parking garage, and then out and around the building again. Finally making it into the building was exciting! I thought I was almost there, but I was very wrong. Level after level there was another thing to get through until finally we were in a large room filled with chairs. Hundreds of people sat in their designated section warming up their voices, primping and getting ready to take their shot. I sat quietly wondering why I got myself into this mess.
Our row was called and we were brought up another floor into a hallway with benches facing doors on either side of the hall. You could hear various voices doing their very best to impress the judges in the makeshift rooms. There were so many outstanding voices. I did not feel qualified to be there. It appeared that all the other singers had devoted their lives to the craft, they were ready. I just started running aimlessly like forest Gump until I found myself staring at a door umpteen floors up with a group of hopefuls. What a stupid idea this was. At least Forest Gump was optimistic.
There was what seemed to be a long delay getting into our room my heart was pounding so loud. Dizzy and nursing a nagging urge to run I finally entered the room. There were 5 chairs on either side of the room facing each other. In the middle was a metal plate on the ground with x on it. A judge sat at the far end of the room in front of the X with her laptop and 3-4 various coffee-like drinks in front of her.
I was the 3rd one up. I distinctly remember praying “Not me! Not me! Not me!” Before each name she called. After a few choice curse words in my head, I lifted my heavy body out of the chair and started toward my mark. I learned an important lesson that day. Well, many in fact. One being - don’t joke with a person with multiple stimulants in front of them. I approached the x and asked “Do I have to stand on that? Because it looks like a drop box” A very dry “no” was all the response I got. Piss off the judge ✔️ loosen the mood ❌ I could have sang like Beyoncé and it wouldn’t have helped me. I sang, sat down, and went home very shorty after, much like many, many others.
The drive home was quiet. I remember not wanting to talk to anyone. What would I say anyway? I drove for about an hour telling myself that it’s not okay to cry. Don’t cry for something as trivial as a singing show. It’s not worth it. You are strong and you are going to keep going. This does not determine your your worth. Another half hour in and I gave myself permission to grieve this moment. You know that meme of James Van Der Beek that went viral… yeah, it was that kind of a cry. I wasn’t just shedding tears because I didn’t make it to the next round in a singing competition. I was shedding tears for my uncle, my mother, and my prior self. The truth was that I not only had significant losses over the last few months, I had significant gains. The road trips, the reality checks, the rehearsing, the growth! Facing challenges head on and finding my stance in a world full of wrecking balls. That was my win.
The tears were cathartic and I came back different. It seemed like each road trip changed me in a significant way. I always knew I loved music, but it terrified me. The thought of failing terrified me, but spending my life asking what if terrified me more. The 6 hour drive home was a great time to process everything I had gone through. God was ultimately directing this. I gave my heart to Him a long time ago and prayed for His direction daily. I was no doubt changed, but still under construction. In His time I would be where I needed to be. I was a newbie on piano and guitar and I was singing out whenever and wherever I could gaining bits of experience and confidence. I finally had legs to stand on. I could accompany myself. I was writing songs here and there. However, singing and writing a song or two here and there wasn’t enough for me. I knew there was more, and I craved it. I just didn’t know how to do it, yet. I came home and started working harder. I was tired of being scared and timid just waiting for things to happen to me. I had to make them happen.
Not long after I returned back from Georgia, my husband informed me that America’s Got Talent was holding an audition date in The Villages for their next season. I thought, “oh no, not again” only to turn around 30 seconds later and sign up for it. Only a short week or two later, I arrived at the audition feeling nauseous. I signed in and only had to wait for about 30 minutes. I sang “the House of the Rising Sun” to a backing track. No way I was going to let the judges hear my guitar rendition. The audition went great. The judges were so sweet and encouraging. I didn’t proceed but I gained a lot from the experience. A year later I was playing my guitar and keyboard in that same restaurant as a paid performer. That is the sweetest form of success.
Auditioning for AGT in The Villages put wind in my sail. I worked harder and learned as much as I could about my instruments and voice. I approached a friend that owned a Sushi and Boba place in Ocala and asked if I could set up in the back to rehearse some songs in front of a live audience. He was so excited about it. A short while later, I was set up and played my first show in front of my close friends and family. What a confidence boost. Six months later I met a local DJ, Karim, during one of my weekly shows there. He helped me get a gig at the Lodge in downtown Ocala. It was a dream come true. I ended up playing at the Black Sheep two days before my show at the Lodge making that place the first official show downtown. Two shows in Downtown Ocala in one week. I would have never believed it.
It took a lot of loss to get me to move resulting in a lot of gain. I’m currently playing all over Ocala, The Villages, Saint Augustine, Cedar Key, and Orlando. All by taking a chance and getting myself out of my comfort zone. I said yes to things that made my heart pound. I made a lot of mistakes and kept going anyway. It doesn’t always work, or work out the way I planned it, but in the process of paving my own way, I built a beautiful life. One that’s unexpected, never boring, sometimes terrifying, but always beautiful.