You Have to Start Somewhere
You have to start somewhere. I’m going to start by telling you about an essay I wrote in my first-year college English class. Equipped with a pot of coffee, a very old PC, AOL, and a fast-approaching deadline, I wrote a paper about what my favorite smell was and why.. a story I will share later… I finished it, and when the teacher handed it back to me it had a B+ and a “see me after class, you’ve got some talent”. written on it. WHAT?! With my heartbeat pounding in my ears, I walked up to her. She asked if she could publish my essay in the college creative writing handbook. Stunned, I said, “but I have a C- in the class” I will never forget what she said.. “There are writers and there are editors, and you, my dear, are a writer, you are NOT an editor”. So, she had to grade me on my poor editing skills. That brings me to say this… please be kind. I’m a writer, not an editor. I never finished college but that teacher and what she said has always stuck with me.
Self-consciousness is something I'm very familiar with. It’s the whole reason I waited so long to put myself out there and sing… what if I make a mistake and (GASP) someone HEARS it!! That would be the worst!!!... only.. It took me way too many years to realize that THAT is exactly what I needed to do, over and over again, in order to improve and not give a crap about my mistakes and what other people think of them. They are going to form an opinion whether I make a mistake or not. If I would have never gotten over that, then I would have never done and seen the amazing things over the last 3 years. What an amazing journey it’s been. What more is there? So much more!
I’ve always loved to write and sing. I was just more of a closet writer and singer. (see above paragraph for explanation of why) Fears of making mistakes and being criticized for it - about sums it up. The first solo show I did was at a place called “The Lotus Market” in October of 2019 (7 months after my mom passed ~ another story for another time). I knew the owner, Aaron, and asked him if I could rehearse some songs in the back of his store. I had been practicing at home for over a year and wanted to “get out of my comfort zone”. Trust me when I say that THAT was WAY out of my comfort zone. He was delighted to let me and again my heart pounded with fear.
It wasn't long after, maybe a few weeks at best before I was driving to my first official gig at the Lotus Market in Ocala, Florida. I HAD MADE IT! My first show… I knew about 15 - 20 songs on piano and maybe 2 on guitar.. (again, another story for another day). I had rehearsed and rehearsed. I wasn’t ready but regardless I was going to be there. My brain was saying.. “You’re going to mess this up so bad and the whole world will see it! You’re going to be the talk of the town and not in a good way.. The headlines will read the audacity of this girl! Thinking she was good enough to sing out of the shower” The reality was my immediate family was there and some friends. No major catastrophes happened but I did have some fun in between my panic attacks.
What I learned was that… life is too busy for most to look that closely and balk at your greenness in something. and if they are, well that’s because they are not working on anything of their own. It took me a long time to learn that.. In fact, I’m still learning that to some degree. You have to be new at some point. You have to begin somewhere. I grew up with the notion that you either have it or you don’t ~ and I didn't. What I didn’t realize was that being great at something is cultivated, cared for and shaped. It needs light, dirt, a little shade sometimes, and a whole lot of water. That’s what makes me stretch and reach beyond my capabilities.
Years ago, I wrote my first blog about sitting on my front porch as a child listening to the greats like Mariah, Celine, and Whitney. When I wrote that, I was well into my singing out and getting used to not caring. But that blog had me stressing out. I had a friend help me write it. (an editor if you will) It’s been about 3 years since I wrote it because of fear. Fear of being judged by the lack of an editor in me. I thought a lot over the last few years about writing another blog and keeping up with them… but the fear would creep in. They will see how bad you write, you illiterate non-editor. I thought about getting a writing tutor or taking a creative writing class, and I still want to, but I have decided to just go it alone for now. Be me, show me, with all my beautiful flaws. I can always take a class or include an editor later. What’s important now is doing!
I love stories. When I first started singing, I wanted to avoid eye contact and speaking in between songs like the plague. Now I absolutely love connecting with the audience that way. Singer Songwriter events are my absolute favorite. It allows me to be me and what I’ve found is that I’m a bit goofy and chatty. Who would have thought?? Oh yeah, my Aunt Beverly, who nicknamed me Chatty Box and my sister who nicknamed me Goofy when I was a child. I guess they knew since I was little that that was who I was. Some things in my life would silence me for a bit and make me believe I was less than but that wouldn't stick. How blessed I was to find it again. I thank music and the good Lord for that.
I have been wanting to blog again, but something always held me back. I was leaving a show in The Villages, and during my hour drive home, I was thinking about fear and how it has been affecting my music and writing. I know I got over many hurdles musically (a work in progress really)… This is me getting over it rhetorically. This is me following through. With my friends as an audience.. Will someone balk at my lack of editorness? Who cares!
So, my friends, prepare for a journey of shenanigans, stories, triumphs, utter failures, and all the in between that go along with living who you want to be and following your passions. You’re going to fail, succeed, and ruffle some feathers. You get hurt learning to ride your bike but the freedom you feel with the wind in your hair far outweighs the scuffs and the bruises. Strike when the inspiration is there and keep going when it isn’t.
Life is a beautiful journey, thank you for being a part of mine.